I Didn't Invite My Family To Our Wedding
Often, when we think of a wedding, we assume there is endless joy and overwhelming excitement from all family members, but for some couples, that story isn't quite so simple. For many LGBTQ+ couples, the reality of unaccepting family is all too real, so I share with you my experience and how we chose to deal with the situation we found ourselves in.
By Alexander Ross | Founder & Editor of Mr Theodore
Photo By Bek Smith
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When I look back to my own wedding in 2016, there was a part that you would think was missing, yes, my family. And it wasn't because they didn't show up or that they didn't choose to come, it was because they never got invited; that's right, I didn't invite my family to my wedding.
Let me take you back to when it all started to give you a bit of context to my story.
My coming out story, like a lot of LGBTQ+ people, was met with fear, because of the fact the I was brought up in a heavily religious family, a family that is still heavily involved in religion to this day.
But, once I uttered those words, nothing was ever really said, and honestly, no one had made a big deal of it. I was fortunate in that case, and also quite surprised.
It was my engagement, though, where the tables had turned. Almost 10 years after first coming out, I was now experiencing things from a different side.
The initial announcement was met by a "this is the saddest day of my life", to the engagement party RSVP that read "our father would be turning in his grave if he knew what you were doing."
To all of you reading, these things might seem shocking, but honestly, I've come a long way and put this in the past.
When the wedding planning started, this brought up many more heated, and somewhat nasty conversations, arguments and communication.
But, leading up to the wedding day, I was somewhat convinced that I would be able to change their minds and to flip their thinking and make them understand and accept.
I was quick to learn that this wouldn't be the case, and since then, I have learnt that you can't argue with religion, and you should never rely on acceptance from others.
“not inviting my family was the best decision we had made.”
Many of those close to me had brought up in conversations of what I might do if my family didn't show up, and would I be leaving out chairs for them just in case.
I had heard stories from other couples that had expected family to show, they provided them a space, but no one came, and I wasn't sure how I would handle that if this happened to me.
It was then when the guest list was being finalised that together with Nick (my husband) we simply decided not to invite them, and that was the best decision we had made.
Not inviting my family meant that we didn't have any of the uncertainty around whether they would show up or not. It also meant that if they had felt obliged to come, we didn't have to experience disapproving looks or attitudes (which is the last thing you want on your wedding day).
Since then, I have had many conversations with couples on this topic - do we invite unsupportive family? Look, at the end of the day you need to feel right with the decision you make, but what I can say is that not inviting my family was the best decision we had made, and I don't regret it at all.
I did, however, get to experience the warmth, love and acceptance from my oldest sister and two nieces that celebrated with us on November 26th 2016.
To put it into perspective for you, I come from a very large family, I am the youngest of 8 children, and all my siblings are married each with many children, and yes, they didn't attend, neither did my mum.
Was it hard? In the lead up to the wedding, yes! On the day itself, I didn't even give it a thought. We were surrounded by so much love, that you don't have time to focus on what was missing.
I was welcomed and accepted into the most accepting and generous family, and at some point, you need to put your loses aside and focus on the wins.
Four years have passed since that time, and each day since I have become stronger on this topic.
I had decided to stop the fight (despite holding resentment for so long) and just let things be.
Could I ever really understand why this happened? no, but I can forgive, and I can move forward. At some point, you have to put the past behind you and focus on healing.
I share my story with you because I know that for so many LGBTQ+ couples, the issue of unaccepting family is all too real. Don't let them control your day with the attitudes or problems, do what is right for you, and you'll have no regrets.
If you are experiencing issues with family, and it is taking a toll on you, I do strongly encourage you to speak with someone professionally; this will be a massive help in itself and allow you to work through it.
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